Feeling anxious or nervous in public (also called social anxiety)

People with visible differences, just like you, can feel anxious or nervous in public. That might be when they meet friends or go to places where there are lots of people around, like work or a shopping centre.

These feelings can range from feeling self-conscious in front of people, to being unable to leave the house because of worries about other peoples’ reactions to their difference, like being stared at or teased.

Feeling like this is very uncomfortable and can stop you enjoying your life. Here are some stories from people who have experienced these difficulties.

Do any of these sound familiar?

Rebecca has severe acne and felt uncomfortable going out in public:

For me personally it’s like, when my skin’s been really horrendously bad, in public situations, I felt really self-conscious.

Luke has psoriasis, a skin condition, and used to be unable to leave the house:

I went through a very difficult stage for 2 years. I couldn’t get out of bed, you know. I really was at rock bottom it was terrible. I kept on pretending I was sick, nearly every week I’d take a couple of days off work. I’d wake up and think I’m not going into work today and you know they just said ‘fine’. I didn’t used to say it was the psoriasis, I used to say things like a headache. I just used to make up rubbish really, but it was the psoriasis. I wasn’t leaving the house, I was like a recluse, it was terrible.

Alice has scarring on her face:

I hate it when people look at me, especially adults, they should know better.

Jake has an eye missing after treatment for cancer.

It’s worse when I meet people. I hate them looking at me, I wish I could hide my face. Some people say ‘ahhh poor you’. I hate that! It reminds me about my face.

Dealing with other people’s negative reactions to your appearance

Many people with a visible difference often experience:

  • being stared at
  • being called names
  • questions about their difference that they don’t want to answer
  • unwanted comments about their appearance


These experiences can leave people feeling upset, afraid and isolated with no-one to turn to for support. Face IT is here to show you that you are not alone.

Here are some of the experiences of other people with visible differences. Read them and see if their experiences are similar to yours.

Lucy lost her all her hair because of cancer treatment:

I hate it when people stare at me, there’s this really annoying girl at work who always says ‘why you wearing a hat?’ I don’t want to tell her, it’s not her business. I didn’t want other people to see my bald head, because they’d ask questions too.

Ruby has facial paralysis as a result of cancer (her face droops on one side):

When I go into a restaurant people turn and stare at me and that puts me off. I was out with my cousin and there were these 2 or 3 men a few tables away from us. When we walked past these men looked up at me, and that made me very aware of my facial injury and I couldn’t get out of there quick enough.

Miranda has a birthmark on her face:

I’ve also had people come up to me in the street and say ‘oh I know somebody who has one just like that, and they’ve had it removed, or they’ve had some work done, you know perhaps if you’re interested I could tell you about it’ and then I get other people who say ‘that looks fine’ I didn’t ask for their opinion but got it anyway!

Tom said:

At one point I was completely covered in scaly thick scabs and the scalp was the worst, very thick in the hair, and I was at work and of course there were all these sort of remarks, you know, ‘what’s that on your head?’ and it felt terrible.

Organisations such as Changing Faces and the Centre for Appearance Research are doing all they can to raise public awareness of visible differences and the importance of not staring and judging people on the way they look, but they can’t change society overnight!

In order to help you now, Face IT will help you to manage other people’s reactions and to feel more positive about yourself, so you can enjoy life more.

Here’s Jacob’s view, Jacob has burns injuries as a result of a car accident:

It’s like us (people with visible differences) and them (other people), I’m nervous, they’re nervous, they don’t know what it’s like, they think they do but get it wrong. Ideally people should be more accepting and understanding and so on, but that’s going to take a very long time. So in the meantime it might be a good idea for us (people with visible differences) to get a bit more active and help ourselves, so that everybody will say ‘oh you look different, oh that’s not a problem’.

Thinking about appearance too much

It’s very common for people with a visible difference to become preoccupied with (think a lot about) their appearance. This can sometimes become a problem, because the more they focus on and worry about their appearance, the more likely they are to think people are responding negatively to them, when often they’re not. Let’s use an example to explain this

Peter:

I’ve got to work fairly hard not to think about it all the time (the facial palsy). I assume other people are thinking the worst. Because I find it hard to deal with I assume it’s hard for other people, I get upset then others get uncomfortable around me.

Face IT@home can help you break this vicious cycle

How we feel about ourselves

But it’s not just how others view us that’s important – how we view ourselves and how we feel about our own appearance is very important too. If you have a difference that you were not born with, it can often be very difficult to come to terms with the new you.

Each of us develops a picture of ourselves in our heads, our body image. Any big change to our body image (we no longer look the way we expect to look) can lead to distress and a sense of not knowing who we are anymore.

Ruby had a facial palsy as a result of cancer (her face drooped on one side):

Before cancer I always knew I felt nice and I loved to go clothes shopping and I know that I looked good. That was a great help too, if you think you look well, you feel good. Now I find my facial injury effects me a lot because I’m aware that I have a funny face.

Journal

If you’ve had an injury, or your appearance has changed because of medical treatment, can you remember the first time you looked in the mirror and saw the new you? How did you feel?
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It can be difficult to accept that the person in the mirror is you. It doesn’t matter whether the change is big or small it can take time to get used to the way you look. It’s not just injuries like scarring that take a lot of getting used to. Conditions that develop over time (like skin conditions or conditions that people are born with) can also be difficult to cope with.

In fact, any kind of visible difference can affect how good you feel about yourself, your self-esteem and can make you feel lonely, unhappy and isolated.

Aaron said:

I have a skin problem and that’s quite hard when you’re growing up and trying to fit in with everybody else. It’s quite difficult showing your skin because you wanna look like everyone else and it doesn’t look very attractive. You wanna avoid feeling that you’re being watched or laughed at. Anything that marks you out from the group is a big deal. I tried to find lots of coping mechanisms, like not talking about things and covering up, which is fine in the winter, but in the summer when I’m doing sports and swimming, it’s quite hard.

Although some problems are more common than others, everyone is different when it comes to things that make us anxious or worried. It might be useful to take a minute to really think about your own difficulties.

For example situations that make you feel anxious or things about having a visible difference that upset you.

Journal

Title: Things that make me feel anxious
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We’ve done a lot of research to see how the way we look affects what people think about us.

We know that when we meet people for the first time we form a first impression and we try and guess what type of person they are based on their looks….are they nice, dull, clever, friendly, nasty. Anything that is different about our appearance can put us at a disadvantage. If you have speech problems or changes in facial expressions due to nerve damage or scarring it can be especially difficult. But we also know that these are only first impressions and they don’t last long. They can change very quickly when we get to know a person better. Face IT can give you tips to help manage first impressions.