Nervous or shy
If you feel like this you’re not alone. The problem is that feeling nervous or shy can make you act awkwardly, which unfortunately attracts even more attention and this makes it more likely that people will stare. You may then wrongly think that they’re staring at your difference rather than your odd behaviour. This is something Rebecca recognises that she does sometimes when she’s in public:
Rebecca said:
Well I guess basically, in terms of problems, smiling is really hard, because of the facial palsy, and I don’t appear very sociable, it just doesn’t come across as well.
In Face IT we’ll give you help to develop skills to feel more confident and to manage your anxiety
Cross or upset?
It’s also very easy to become defensive (angry or upset) and assume that the person staring is rude and has a problem with your appearance. In Face IT we’ll show you that getting cross or upset and being defensive can sometimes cause you problems and isn’t always the best way to deal with people. We’ll help you think of other more helpful ways to respond.
Miranda said:
One of the things I did when I was in school, I used to say that if somebody couldn’t accept the birth mark, or couldn’t just get over it right away, then I wouldn’t want to know them. So I was a really harsh judge of other people. I think that has a lot to do with trying to protect yourself against hurt and injury. I mean I don’t wanna be stared at, you wanna fight back by deciding that person isn’t worth knowing or doesn’t want to know you. That has changed a lot now and I try to understand why they stare.
Feeling judged
All of us (not just those with visible differences) tend to think that people who stare are judging us in some way. We could think these judgements are positive or negative.
If we feel confident and happy with ourselves we tend to think that when they stare they are making positive judgements.
But if we don’t feel good about ourselves or the way we look or if we’re aware that there is a reason for people to stare (because we look different), we’re likely to think that they’re making a negative or unkind judgement.
These thoughts can make us feel upset and angry.
We’re definitely not saying that all the problems that you might encounter are due to you thinking that people are being mean when they are not – that’s far too simplistic! Yes, some people can be unpleasant which is not acceptable. But it’s important for you to know that most of the time people want to treat you normally, but they may not know how. They may think there are special rules about how they should behave that they don’t know about.
Remember your difference maybe something they’ve never come across before.
Miranda said:
The people who are mean and their immediate reaction to your difference is just to slag you off, who swear at you or call you a name, then yeah, there I think you are justified to cut them off.
But someone who is just slack-jawed, just staring at you and doesn’t even realise in a sense that they are. Don’t write those people off just because they don’t know how to deal with you
