Body Language
Body language tells us a lot about each other. Think about a situation you’ve been in where you were talking to someone and you could tell how they were feeling just by looking at them.
Remember Rebecca from last session. She said:
Body language is important. When my skin’s been really horrendously bad, in public situations, I felt quite self-conscious and if you think, “people are staring at me”, you get quite fidgety. You feel like you’re making more of a spectacle of yourself in many ways, it draws attention to yourself.
Richard said:
In terms of body language, I used to bite my nails like crazy, that used to make me stand out because I looked so nervous.
These quotes show how negative body language (being fidgety or anxious) can lead to more difficulties in social interactions. Don’t worry though, because you can change your body language just like Harvey did:
Harvey has psoriasis and describes his experiences of improving his body language:
The body language thing, we did this in my sessions and I found it helpful and quite practical. It’s something that a lot of people (including myself!) can be a bit suspicious about but it certainly worked for me.
Faces
When we talk to people we spend a lot of time looking at the area around the eyes, nose and mouth. This is why having a facial difference can sometimes be distracting to the person listening and why it’s so important for people with facial differences to learn skills to deal with these problems.
The muscles in our face are very complex, our facial expressions can show lots of different emotions, from disgust or dislike through to surprise or happiness.
Below is a picture of a person.
Write down in your journal what you think she might be like if you met her: for example do you think she would be friendly, exciting, sad, miserable, unfriendly….
Journal
Title: Thoughts on picture 1
Here is the same person again.
Have a look at this picture and have another think about what this person might be like if you met them
Journal
Title: Thoughts on picture 2
Has this new picture changed your thoughts about this person?
Everyone will respond slightly differently to this activity, but normally people are more negative about the first picture because she isn’t smiling and is looking away from you.
People feel more positive and are a lot happier about meeting the person in the second picture because she seems friendly.
Smiling is very good for us
It makes us feel better and shows others that we are confident, friendly and approachable. Try doing it now. Have a go at smiling for one minute and see how you feel.
Before the next session of Face IT have a go at this exercise.
Each morning start the day by smiling at yourself in the mirror or just to yourself if you don’t like looking in the mirror. Also try smiling whenever you feel unhappy or low. This should help to lift your mood a bit.
Richard has facial paralysis as a result of a brain tumour:
Well I guess basically, in terms of problems, smiling is really hard, because of the facial palsy, and I don’t appear very sociable, it just doesn’t come across as well.
Scarring, muscle damage or nerve damage can affect the way the face moves while you are talking. This can make it difficult to make the right facial movements you need for certain expressions. This makes it harder for others to tell how you feel. Although your difference may make it more confusing for other people to read your emotions, there is something that can help.
Try explaining to people why you can’t use facial expressions. Most people will understand your situation and be grateful to you for explaining it.
Please don’t feel that you have to explain yourself if you don’t want to, it’s entirely up to you and what you feel comfortable with.
Even a partial smile helps. It’s the quickest and simplest way of letting someone know that you want to communicate with them and that you are friendly.
If you can’t smile, use energy and enthusiasm when you talk to people. Read about how Paul manages to communicate without facial expressions:
Paul has Moebius syndrome which means that his facial muscles don’t work and he has no facial movement, so he can’t smile or frown:
He worries that people will think he is either unfriendly or not very clever. Paul manages by using other ways of giving feedback to people. If everyone else is laughing at a joke he will say something like ‘that was funny’ and he will use touch, eye contact and nodding to show that he is part of what is happening. He uses this approach even in his e-mail by using extra symbols and animated drawing to communicate in a positive and amusing way. This way he makes sure that people feel warm and positive towards him before he meets them face to face.
Posture
Most of us don’t think about our posture, but it’s an important part of how we communicate with others. Our posture refers to the way we hold our body and gives other people clues as to how anxious or confident we are.
Your posture can make you appear confident
Standing or sitting with your shoulders back and your head up gives a strong message to others that you are confident. Even if you don’t feel it, try it. If you look confident, people are more likely to respond to you positively.
If you stand with your shoulders bent forwards and your head looking down at the floor, people will know that you don’t feel comfortable. This will make others feel uncomfortable too and they’re less likely to talk to you.
The problem with posture is that it’s often easy to go back to slouching – it’s a natural response.
All it takes is one negative thought and you can almost feel yourself beginning to slouch!
Learning to hold your head up and appear confident is one way to communicate better, but it will take time and practice to develop…
Have a go at these exercises
Stand up with your shoulders hunched forwards and look down at the floor. Now try to feel confident, like you’re a celebrity or a top sportsperson. Do you think it’s difficult to feel confident when you’re not looking confident?
Now stand to attention, put your shoulders back, look up. Notice how different that feels to the first position? Try to feel stressed and anxious while you’re stood in this position. How does that feel?
Write down your thoughts about doing this exercise in your journal. It will help you keep a record of the skills you have learnt.
Journal
Title: Thoughts on Posture Exercises
You should find it much harder to be positive while you’re slouched and much harder to feel stressed when you’re stood up straight. This shows how good posture can increase confidence.
Practice good posture
Think about how you’re sitting and try to straighten your back and keep your shoulders down. Make an effort to practice this position at least once a day.
When you’re walking around in the next few weeks try looking up instead of at your feet. Look up at the chimney pots and treetops. This should help you to feel more positive.
Remember practice makes perfect!
The first few times you practice your posture, it’s likely to feel very odd, but over time it will become more natural to you and eventually you won’t have to think about it at all!
Eye Contact
Eye contact is looking at someone’s eyes when we see them or talk to them (or if you can’t look them in the eyes, looking at the bridge of the nose). We say a lot more with our eyes than we ever do with our mouths!
Eye contact tells other people how you’re feeling, whether you’re listening, or whether you agree with what they are saying. It can also signal whether you like them or not!
But we can’t keep up eye contact all the time: we tend to look at people and look away lots of times in a conversation.
The important thing to remember is that by keeping eye contact most of the time; you’re telling the other person that you want to socialise with them. Poor eye contact, looking at the floor or away from the face can make you seem anti-social, not interested or appear nervous.
Madeleine has severe acne:
Not so much now, but I think it (acne) has affected my confidence quite a lot. Especially in the sense, you know, like eye contact with people and that sort of thing, I did tend to avoid eye contact if possible.
The importance of eye contact in conversations
Eye contact is important when you’re the speaker and when you’re the listener.
When you’re the speaker:
Maintain eye contact to show the listener that you want them to listen to you. The other person’s eye contact tells you that they’re listening to you and that they’re interested in what you’re saying. Have you ever tried to talk to someone who is wearing dark glasses? It’s very difficult to keep the conversation going as you can find it hard to be sure that they’re actually listening.
When you’re the listener:
Keep up a high level of eye contact so that they know you are “tuned in” and understand what they’re saying. Also remember that people use eye contact to grab your attention and show you that they want to talk to you.
Although we’ve said that eye contact is important when you are listening and when you are talking – eye contact is more important when you are the listener. People look at someone far more often when they’re listening than when they’re speaking.
By practising eye contact, you can improve your social skills
Plus eye contact helps to hold the other person’s stare so they’re less likely to focus on your difference.
Please remember that people naturally tend to look about and it is quite normal that people will look at your difference.
Gestures
Gestures are very little movements that aren’t very obvious but they tell us a lot about a person. Nodding your head whilst someone is talking to you is just as important as keeping up eye contact. It shows that you’re interested and that you understand what they are saying.
It can be really hard work having a conversation with someone who remains completely still and doesn’t respond to you.
Head nodding is also important for showing who’s turn it is to talk. When someone is listening to you and they want to say something, they tend to start nodding their head more quickly. This gently lets you know to take a break and let them have their say.
Have a look at a group of people in real life or on TV while they’re talking and see if you can spot the use of head nodding.
Hand gestures when you’re talking are also important. Moving your hands about to make a point shows confidence.
Standing with your hands in your pockets the whole time can make you appear anxious or even bored!
It’s important to use hand gestures because they show energy and enthusiasm for the topic you’re talking about, this can be particularly useful if your difference makes facial expressions difficult.
Be careful not to wave your hands about too much, you don’t want to end up looking silly!
