Even if you’ve mastered the use of positive body language skills, you’ll still need to talk to people! This requires good talking skills. The way that we talk to others affects how they see us and what type of person they think we are (for example friendly, likeable, standoffish, snobby, bossy).

Your tone of voice tells people a lot about your thoughts and feelings. Probably the most important thing to remember is that your voice gives away emotion. If your tone of voice is aggressive or depressed, then you’re going to put people off. If you sound too nervous, people will feel uncomfortable.

Have you ever had a conversation with someone where you picked up more about how they were feeling from their tone than from what they actually said?

Tone of voice can easily make or break a situation. If you’re feeling particularly anxious, aggressive, depressed, or even bored, your tone of voice can give this away.

Many people often don’t realise they’re using a flat voice, but just by thinking about the way you talk, you can make sure that you use more variety.

If you do use a flat tone it can put people off. It sounds boring and suggests that you aren’t that interested in them or that you aren’t that interesting! It increases the chances that others will switch off when listening to you.

Can you hear the difference in the tone of voice between these two clips?

Spend a couple of minutes now saying the following sentence out loud in different tones- for example in a happy, sad and angry tone: ‘Hi, how’s it going? I’m having a great day’

Can you tell the difference?

Listen to the way that other people around you talk.

What do different tones tell you about the way someone is feeling?

Another important part of voice control is speed. People find it difficult to understand if you’re speaking quickly.

It’s important to remember to slow down. This makes your speech clearer and gives the other person a chance to take in what you’re saying.

If you’re feeling anxious or annoyed, it’s easy to talk more quickly and our voice may also shake.

Try saying in a confident tone “Hi, you alright?”. Now try it again in an anxious voice.

Even if you don’t feel very confident, sounding as though you are can make you feel better and will make others react more positively to you.

If you think you speak too quickly when you’re nervous try deep breathing exercises. By breathing deeply in and out, you can calm yourself down and speak slower. This will also stop your voice from shaking too much.

Try breathing in slowly and deeply whilst slowly counting to 3. Then try breathing out slowly whilst counting slowly to 5. Spend a couple of minutes practising this now. Breathe in for 1 and 2 and 3 and then breathe out for 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5.

Spend a couple of minutes now practising the following tongue twister getting faster and faster: “She sells sea shells on the sea shore”

Did you find you tripped over yourself more as you got faster?

This shows that speaking too quickly can cause you to trip up and make mistakes, which can make you even more anxious and makes it more difficult for you to be understood.

Try to take notice of the way you talk, so that you can correct yourself if you start to speak too quickly.

Remember to speak clearly. If you speak too quietly, people will find it hard to hear you and will loose interest in what you are trying to say.

But, avoid shouting! There is nothing more irritating than someone who is shouting at you when they are standing right next to you. With practice you’ll be able to get the right volume, which will help you to speak more clearly.

If you practice talking with family and friends it’ll become easier to control how you speak and this will help you to improve your pitch, tone and speed.

By using deep breathing exercises you can help yourself to hide your emotions better. This will help you to appear more confident and friendly, and make people more likely to respond positively to you. This will make you feel better!

‘Active listening’ is about hearing what someone says and showing that you’ve understood them. It’s a good skill to encourage conversation and to show that you are confident.

Skills that can be used to show active listening include agreeing, commenting and repeating back. Let’s explain those.

Starting conversations can be tough. What do you say? How do you start?

It’s even more difficult if you feel anxious in social situations, or worry about your appearance.

Although it’s difficult, being able to start a conversation is very important. People are going to find it difficult to get to know you if it’s always them making the effort.

If you make an effort to talk, you’ll make a good impression. It’ll show people that you’re confident, friendly and interesting.

If you’re unhappy with your social life or you feel you would like more friends, it’s important to make an effort to meet new people when you have the chance.

So how can you start a conversation? The secret to starting conversations is asking questions.

There are so many different types of question you can ask:

Try to stick to open questions. These are ones that allow people to give you more than a yes or no response. If you use too many questions that only need a yes or no response, you may find you run out of things to say very quickly! Open questions usually start with ‘how…’ or ‘what do you think..’

Another useful technique is using daily events. If you read magazines or watch TV, then you’ll have lots of different things that you can use to start a conversation.

You can use any news or sports event you like, but try to avoid anything that people may have strong opinions about. If you pick these kinds of topics you might find that people have too much to say! Light hearted topics, or topics that cause discussion and debate rather than an argument are far safer.

It’s really important to go and talk to people, which I do. I’m really keen on animals, particularly dogs. Yesterday I met someone walking their dog in the park and I said, “Your dog, he’s so lovely, what breed is he?” and then we got into a conversation about the dog. He was a rescue dog. It means you can talk to people about where they come from and where you live and what’s happening and it just starts up the conversation with some sort of interest. Interests make an opening for conversation.

Talking about yourself can be a brilliant technique, as it shows that you’re open and friendly.

It also makes socialising more personal. Think about the things that you do or enjoy.

Try making a statement about yourself and asking if the other person feels the same.

Be careful not to be too personal though. Especially if you’re talking with a stranger. They won’t thank you for telling them everything in detail about your private life the first time they meet you!

But remember never apologise for your difficulties. It’s not your fault and you shouldn’t be made to feel bad. An explanation is enough. Don’t feel you have to explain if you don’t want to.