In this session we’ll look at why social interactions can be difficult sometimes and how to use the REACH OUT social skills toolbox to overcome these difficulties.
Scared & Reachout Models
We’ve already talked about how an unusual appearance can make socialising difficult, because people may want to ask you lots of questions, they may feel embarrassed, awkward, or feel sorry for you. These responses can make you feel defensive or upset and maybe you don’t want people to feel sorry for you! The SCARED model explains why socialising can be difficult and can sometimes go wrong. If you understand why social situations can go wrong, you can learn ways to handle them better. The SCARED diagram below shows that if we use negative social skills, socialising can become difficult:
- If you are shy you can draw more attention to yourself. This may make people more likely to stare.
- If you are too cautious (very anxious) people may be nervous or uncomfortable around you
- Behaving aggressively can make others feel awkward
- By retreating (backing away from people) people may think you’re being rude even if you aren’t meaning to be! And they may be rude back.
- If you’re evasive (avoid people and situations), other people will avoid you too.
- Behaving defensively (irritated or cross) makes it difficult for people to socialise with you and they may become distracted and not bother.
Very often it’s not what you look like but the way you behave that affects other people. If you’re anxious and appear standoffish other people feel rejected.
The REACH OUT tool box
We’ve also designed a ‘social skills tool box’ known as REACH OUT.
REACH OUT gives you 8 tools to help you improve your social skills and enjoy socialising more.
You may find some of them useful, or you may find that you’re using some of them already. If you’re using some already then you’re doing really well – it’s techniques like these that will help you succeed!
The 8 tips are each represented by a letter to help you remember them.
Reassurance
Try using reassurance to put people at ease
R = Reassurance
Try using reassurance to put people at ease.
People often want to be reassured that you’re OK in yourself.
Try using a quick explanation of your difference and add something reassuring to your answer, like:
- “I am okay now”
- “You can’t catch it”
- “Don’t worry about it”
- “You’ve noticed my eczema, vitiligo, face – don’t worry it isn’t catching”
- “I lost my hair because I had treatment for cancer, it’s not catching!”
- “My muscles, nerves or bones didn’t grow properly – it’s OK, it doesn’t hurt”
- “If you’re wondering about my face, it’s a birthmark, I’ve had it since I was born”
- “It’s just the way my eye, cheek or nose is, don’t let it bother you”
- “Oh they’re just scars from an accident, it’s no big deal”
If people stare, don’t avoid eye contact, smile at them. This reassures them that you are confident and friendly. Just speaking at all will show you’re confident with your appearance and that they should be too!
E = Energy, Effort and Enthusiasm
Use positive body language to show people that you’re willing to make the effort to be sociable.
- Try smiling or waving when you see someone you know
- Try starting a conversation
- When you’re speaking to people, use a positive voice & speak confidently
All these actions show you are a positive, enthusiastic person and that you’re making an effort. Doing these things will make you appear more interesting to other people.
A = Assertiveness
Being assertive means sticking up for yourself by letting people know how you feel or what you need.
- Don’t be afraid to tell people what you feel or want. They will respect you if you stand up for yourself in a polite way.
- Try starting a conversation
- Remember to use a calm but firm tone of voice so that you don’t come across as aggressive – being aggressive won’t help at all! Speak slowly and clearly.
The use of good posture (shoulders back, head up) and eye contact can help. Being assertive doesn’t mean you’ll get your own way all the time, but the important thing is that you’ve stood up for yourself and shown that you’re in control.
- “It’s just a birthmark. It doesn’t bother me and it shouldn’t bother you”
- “It’s just the way I look – why do you have a problem with it?”
- “I was born with a cleft lip but there’s nothing wrong with my brain”
- “I don’t like what you’re saying, this is getting boring” (and leave)
C = Courage
Courage is about having the confidence to face up to situations you find difficult AND then being able to think about them positively afterwards, instead of letting negative thoughts pop into your head.
For example:
If you’re anxious about asking shop assistants for things, being courageous would be to go straight up to them and ask confidently, “do you sell baked beans?”, waiting for the answer, thanking them and walking off feeling good about yourself – you managed to overcome a fear.
Here are some tools to help you feel courageous:
Lots of people think positive thoughts that they keep repeating in their head. You can find your own positive thought, but here are some that other people have found useful:
- “I can do this”
- “This is me and I’m proud of it
- “There’s no more to me than my face”
- “I’m OK and I’ll show them I’m OK”
- “If you knew me you’d like me”
- “My condition is just a small part of me”
- “My friends thinks I’m really kind, and I am!”
- “I’m one of the best at telling jokes”
- If you use confident body language (good posture, eye contact and smiling) you’ll make yourself feel more courageous.
- Try starting conversations and speaking your mind in a clear and polite way. This will make you appear confident and interesting.
H = Humour
Having a laugh, making a joke of things, looking on the funny side is a great way to stop you taking things to heart and to put other people at ease. You may not always find situations very funny, but by appearing relaxed you’ll make others feel more relaxed too.
- Try and be light hearted and be prepared to laugh at situations.
Here are some light hearted responses if people are shocked by your appearance or comment on it:
- “I must have put my face on the wrong way ’round”
- “Oh no – I hadn’t noticed” or “When did that happen?!”
- “You’re just jealous”
- “Yeah, I’m a walking modern art. It’s just the way I look, it makes me easier to spot in photos”
- “It’s scars from where I had a birthmark removed. It’s my tough look”
Try to look relaxed, even smile. Using a happy tone of voice can make you come across as humorous even if you don’t feel like it!
But if you really don’t feel right using this tool, don’t feel you have to do it. Remember it’s all about finding out what works for you.
O = Over There
When we talk about ‘over there’ we mean using ways to get people to stop focusing on your difference.
If you don’t want to talk about your difference you can distract them by changing the subject. Try asking a question or talking about something you have in common, such as sport, music, hobbies, films – anything that takes the attention off your difference so they stop worrying about your appearance and get onto you as a person!
- “It’s just my scars; did you see the film last night?”
- “I’ve got eczema, have you got a lot of work on at the moment too?
- “It’s only how my skin looks. Hey, is this the right bus stop for the bus into town?”
- “Oh that, I don’t like talking about it. That’s such a cool top, where did you get it?”
- “Smiling and eye contact always helps”
Smiling and eye contact always helps. If you distract someone away from your appearance they’ll soon forget any difficulties they may have with it.
U = Understanding
Some people don’t know how to deal with visible differences.
They may be shocked, worried or embarrassed, if you understand that:
- You can help them get over it
- You can remain calm
- You can remain in control
When you’re with people, try to put yourself in their shoes and understand what they’re feeling. If you feel up to it, try explaining to them about your appearance, but don’t go into loads of detail – a little information will help them relax.
If they still look uncomfortable try starting a conversation about a different topic – then you can distract them away from your appearance.
T = Try Again
Try again means not giving up.
Remember that when you’re trying out these tips they may not work first time. As we keep saying – practice, practice, practice! None of the skills we talk about come easily but if a situation doesn’t go to plan – TRY AGAIN
With practice, you’ll soon find your relationships with other people become easier.