When people ask questions or say things about you, explaining your difference can help and can give you confidence. Here are some different ways to respond:

If you don’t want to discuss your appearance with others and want to end the conversation then use a short answer with a ‘no follow up’ statement at the end. This shows the other person that the topic is closed.

• “I was involved in a kitchen fire when I was younger but I am OK now”
• “I’ve got vitiligo – it’s like freckles, only backwards, don’t worry about it”

If you don’t want to discuss your difference, but want to carry on talking to them, try answering and then changing the subject. Asking about their hobbies, holidays or their other friends takes the attention off you.

• “I had a cleft lip that had to be repaired. Do you know of any good football clubs around here? I really want to go see a match!”
• “It’s just a birthmark, are you playing hockey today?”

“I’m having treatment for cancer, it’s not catching and my hair will grow back, are you going on the camping trip?”

If you feel comfortable using humour, try making a light-hearted comment about your appearance:

• “Oops I must have put my face on the wrong way ’round!”
• “I have a rare bone disease that causes me to hunch over. It’s a great advantage on a canal boat”

It can sometimes help to encourage a discussion about your appearance to get the subject out of the way.

• “I was involved in a house fire. It was scary but the staff in hospital were really kind”
• “I had a cleft lip. That means that I had a gap where it didn’t join up properly. I had an operation to fix it when I was a baby and that’s why I have a scar now.”

The first of these options allows for a discussion on a less personal level. The second encourages talk about your own particular experiences.

Finally, if you’d like to avoid unwanted questions about your appearance, it can often help to mention it before anyone else gets the chance. Be careful though, talking about your appearance may lead to further questioning. It can sometimes help to encourage a discussion about your appearance to get the subject out of the way.

Here’s an example of taking the initiative:

• “Have you been using new make up? It looks great! I wish that I could use it but the problem with skin grafts is that you have to be careful what brands to use.”

This shows everyone around you that you are happy and accept your appearance, and provides them with a small amount of information about your appearance without them having to ask.

Choose a technique that you feel comfortable with and that’s right for the situation.

lthough it may be understandable for people to question you about your appearance when they’re in a conversation with you, it’s out of order for strangers or passers-by to comment.

As you’ve probably already experienced, strangers aren’t very good at keeping their opinions or thoughts to themselves!

Here’s some options that you can use.

Ignore them and walk away. This doesn’t show weakness in any way. It’s firm and assertive and shows that it’s the other person who has the problem.

If you can hold your head high and ignore such comments, then you’re showing the world that you’re strong and you accept your appearance.

If you want to make a point, then a firm stare can be a good way of responding to comments. It’s confident and assertive and tells the person that you have heard them and you’re not happy.

Most people are unaware that you can hear them when they make comments, and they will usually feel embarrassed that they’ve been caught out.

-If you are feeling assertive, and the situation is not too threatening, then you could try saying something.

Here are some examples:

“My face might look odd, but I can still hear all right”

“You’re not so handsome yourself”

• “Does my appearance bother you? It doesn’t bother me!”
• It can sometimes help to encourage a discussion about your appearance to get the subject out of the way.
• “Very original”
• “Don’t worry; it isn’t catching
• “These responses are confident and demonstrate that you have a sense of humour. It also focuses the attention on the other person. Which response you choose will depend on the situation and how confident you feel.

If you are going to respond in this way be certain that the person is making comments about you! As we talked about in the first session, it’s very easy to assume that people are talking about you when they may not be. Choose a technique that you feel comfortable with and that’s right for the situation.

Only respond if you actually HEARD what the person was saying.

Staring is one of the biggest issues to deal with if your visible difference is obvious. Sometimes people don’t mean to stare and will look away quite quickly, but sometimes you may have to put up with “persistent starers”, people who just keep on staring!

Young children can be particularly bad, but they don’t mean any harm, they’re simply curious, so try giving a very simple explanation that a child can understand. If you ignore them, children tend to get louder and carry on more.

However, when adults or teenagers stare, there are a few responses you can use to put them in their place.

The simplest approach is just to smile and point out what the person is doing in an assertive manner.

“Please don’t stare at me. I really don’t like it”

If you want to make a point, you can smile and say something that shows that it’s them who has the problem.

“Does my appearance bother you? It doesn’t bother me!”

This is a great way of embarrassing the other person without looking bad yourself.

“You should see what I look like on a bad day!”

These comments can help you to feel that you’re taking control of the situation without coming across as too aggressive.

Beware! There are situations where people may be particularly threatening. If you think the situation is worrying or that people are threatening, the best thing to do is  walk away!