It’s important to remember that thoughts aren’t facts!! They’re just the way we see the world and the people around us.
If you’re feeling self-conscious and unconfident, negative thoughts can often pop up and it’s easy to believe them.
Negative thoughts are like bad habits that we’ve picked up over time. Like lots of other habits (for example biting your nails) we keep on doing it but often don’t notice that we are.
We all use negative thinking sometimes. It’s quite normal for our thoughts to affect how we feel and for most people this isn’t something that needs to be fixed. Negative thoughts only become a problem if they stop us getting on with our lives and make us feel unhappy.
When we get stuck into thinking negatively about things, we are stuck in a negative thinking trap. There are different types of thinking traps that you can get stuck in. Click on each one below.
All or nothing
This is when we think that just because something has happened once it will always happen. So from one single event we make a general rule.
For example: “If I fail once, I will always fail”.
To help you recognise them we’ve highlighted some words we tend to use with an “all or nothing” thought.
“I never get it right”
“I always screw up my work”
“All my colleagues think I’m stupid”
“Every time I go swimming that happens”
“None of the people at work want to hang out with me”
“No one likes me”
“Nobody cares”
“Everyone stares at me”
“Everybody ignored me”
The problem with negative thoughts is they stop us from being happy and content with our lives and… they lead to worry and stress!
Negative thinking can make socialising difficult
People who are embarrassed or don’t know how to react to your difference may respond to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable. This is hard to deal with. But it’s made worse by negative thinking traps.
If you always think people stare because they’re being rude or threatening, you are likely to feel threatened and uncomfortable and you’re likely to avoid them or get away from them as quickly as possible!
But, if you think that someone is staring because they’re curious or concerned, then you won’t feel threatened and you’re more likely to stay, talk to them and have a more positive experience with them.
The thoughts in the dark blue bubbles are positive and in the light blue they are negative.
Let’s use another example to explain this:
Imagine that you’re walking into your local shop for the first time and you notice that the man at the counter is staring at you.If you think he’s staring because he doesn’t like your appearance, how’s that going to make you feel?
Nervous? Uncomfortable? Angry?
- If you feel any one of these emotions, you’ll become aware of every look that the man gives you and the whole situation can feel uncomfortable or threatening.
- If, however, you assume that he’s staring because he’s confused and doesn’t know how to react and then shrug it off, how will this make you feel?
Calm? Amused? Sorry for him?
- You will probably ignore the man, and in return he’s likely to stop staring. In this case the situation isn’t at all threatening.
- Just because you think you’re more noticeable than others doesn’t mean that people don’t like you. People may not talk to you because they find it difficult talking to new people. It may simply be that their own social skills need some work! It may have nothing to do with your appearance.
Remember, thoughts aren’t facts. Sometimes we assume people’s reactions are because they are rude or thinking badly about us, when they are not. They are just the result of uncertainty or surprise.
Read the statements below to find out about other people’s experiences of negative thinking
Do you remember Richard from the first session? He has a facial palsy as a result of a brain tumour:
I do tend to put 2 and 2 together and make 5, really dodgy thinking. I have to take everything with a pinch of salt, like. I’ve got to work fairly hard to see beyond it (the facial palsy), I’m almost assuming other people are thinking the worst. Because I find it hard to deal with it, I assume other people do as well.
Ruby has a facial palsy:
I find my facial injury quite difficult to deal with because I’m aware that I have a funny face. I often tend to say to people “oh dear, I’m sorry about my funny face”. They all said to me “well, you haven’t got a funny face, you can’t see it, I never notice it when I talk to you”, and I’ve had that said to me so many times.
Tom has psoriasis:
I did sports at school, but I found it quite embarrassing, a couple of kids would stare, but I’m sure I was bothered by it more than they were, because we all worry about things that are difficult whether it’s your appearance or whatever.
Negative thinking can lower your Self-esteem
Do you remember the Think Feel Do link?
It shows you how your thoughts affect your feelings and what you do. Carefully follow the arrows and you’ll see we’ve added another box called ‘self-esteem’.
Having negative thoughts about yourself can lower your self esteem. And if you have low self esteem you will have more negative thoughts.
You can get stuck in a vicious circle, where it becomes hard to think positive things about yourself or others.
Types of Thoughts people with low self-esteem have:
Types of Feelings people with low self-esteem have:
These negative thoughts and feelings can affect behaviour:
- You might become withdrawn and want to stay at home
- You might find it harder to socialise
- You might act shy and nervous around other people
Can you see how this can develop into a vicious cycle?
This cycle can make you feel more anxious and sad. It can lead to depression. It can lower your self-esteem. It can stop you going out and having fun…
Task
Take some time to think about your self-esteem. Do you think you have high or low self-esteem?