We’re now going to talk about some ways to think more positive, improve your self esteem and make socialising more enjoyable.
Our technique is called Catch it, Check it, Change it
Catch it
The first thing you need to do is learn to notice or ‘catch’ those negative thoughts. Because they’re often very quick and ‘automatic’ they can be hard to spot. This will take a bit of effort, but after some practice you’ll get the hang of it!
Here’s some ways to help catch them:
Write your thoughts in your journal
This can help you get used to listening to your thoughts.
How do you feel?
Look for clues: if you notice a sudden change in the way you’re feeling maybe it’s because you’ve just had a negative thought. Ask yourself ‘what was going through my mind before I started feeling this way?
Different thoughts cause different feelings and behaviours
Learn to notice the difference between how negative and positive thoughts make you feel and what they make you do.
Let’s use an example to help you get better at spotting the difference between negative and positive thoughts
A positive thought
A negative thought
Check it
Once you can recognise negative thoughts you can start to check if they are true or not.
Remember what we said earlier, although it’s easy to believe our thoughts they are not facts.
We need to question them and find out if there is any evidence to support them or if there is evidence against them. Here’s how you can do that.
Be your own best friend
When you recognise a negative thought, have a conversation with yourself (in your head) like you might have with a best mate or someone who always gives you good advice. Tell them how you’re thinking and feeling.
Think of the positive things they would say to make you feel better or question your negative thoughts?
Maybe they’d say ‘Don’t give yourself such a hard time!’ or ‘What happened last time at the party, did everyone stare at you?’ or ‘What if someone did stare at you, what would be so bad about that? ‘ or ‘what could you do to deal with someone who stares at you?’
Being your own best friend is a skill that takes time and practice to learn.
Here’s an example of a conversation you might have in your head between yourself and your best friend
Top tips on being your own best friend
Make your best friend ask you questions about how YOU’RE thinking; get them to do the work!
Here are some examples of questions.
Just like any other conversation, take it in turns to speak, you, then your best mate and so on. Answer your best mate’s questions. If your best mate asks, “Why is it like that?”, it’s not enough for you to say, “Because it is!”. If this happens, your best mate could say something like “STOP, answer the question!”. Always end on a positive best friend statement. Don’t give up; keep going until your best friend has had a chance to really question you.
Change it
Here’s the difficult bit!
Now you need to replace your negative thought with a positive one.To make the positive thought stick, try saying it over again in your head.
Negative thought
“That boy over there is laughing at me”
Positive thought
“That boy’s probably laughing because he has just heard a joke – nothing to do with me!”
Let’s see how the best friend technique could help us get out of negative thinking traps:
1 – It’s all my fault
“I’m fat and lazy”
“I’m not fat at all. I don’t have the perfect figure, but not many people do. And anyways I’m not lazy, I do loads of exercise and work really hard”
“I feel useless, so I must be useless”
“I might feel useless but I did manage to finish my exams this year so I can’t be that useless.”
“I should have been able to stop her from feeling upset”
“She was always going to be upset, but at least I gave her a shoulder to cry on”
“I don’t know why he is angry but it must be because of something I did”
“There’s many reasons why he could be angry. Maybe he’s had a bad morning”
Here are some more examples of best friend positive thoughts to beat ‘It’s my fault’ thoughts:
– “No more blaming!”
– “Everyone makes mistakes – you’re just human.”
– “No brooding. The past is over and you can’t do anything to change it.”
– “You can acknowledge your mistakes and move on.”
– “Let it go!”
2 – All or nothing
Here are some examples of all or nothing thoughts. What might your best friend say to defeat those miserable negative thoughts?
“I always fail”
“But I passed that test last week. Just because I’ve messed up this time doesn’t mean I’ll fail next time.”
“No one likes me”
“Every time I go swimming everyone stares”
“Only one boy stared and you don’t know him, does he matter to you? They are just curious and don’t know better, ignore them.”
“What about the colleague who helped me last week, and my cousins who think I’m great, what about the guy who asked me to go hang out?”
3 – Mind reading and Fortune-telling
Here are some examples of mind-reading or fortune-telling thoughts, click on them to see what a best friend would say to challenge these thoughts:
She must have been staring at my scar and thinking how ugly I look
She seemed to be looking at me, maybe she liked my new top or new ear rings, who knows?
I’ll feel much happier once I’ve had surgery on my scar
I’m looking forward to having some surgery but there are many other things I could do before then to help me feel better about my appearance
I’m not going to my cousin’s wedding on Saturday because I won’t know anyone there and nobody will talk to me, just like before
Last time I went to a wedding I didn’t know anyone and nobody talked to me, but maybe if I make an effort to introduce myself to the other people there of my age, my cousin’s wedding might be different.
More examples of best friend positive thoughts to beat mind reading or fortune telling thoughts:
- “You have no way of knowing what they are thinking”
- “The only way of knowing other’s opinions is to ask them straight”
- “Lots of rich and beautiful people are unhappy”
4 – Disaster thinking
Here are some examples of ‘disaster thinking’, click on them to see what your best friend would say to challenge these thoughts:
“I hated drama today. We all had to talk in front of the class; it was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.”
“OK I didn’t enjoy drama as much today because I had to speak in front of class, but I’m sure everyone else felt the same”
“My friend is late meeting me at the cinema, I’ve had to sit on my own for ages, it’s going to ruin everything.”
“My partner asked me about my psoriasis today. This is totally embarassing!”
She has a right to ask about it and she was probably only asking about it to check that I was oK
“She’s late
but no one is noticing me, I’ll stay calm & go on my mobile. When she gets here we’ll have a good time watching the film together.”
Some best friend tips when you are stuck in a disaster thinking trap
Is this a true interpretation of the situation? On a scale from 1 to 10, where 10 is a disaster and 1 is a very unimportant event, where do you rate this situation? Remember, a true disaster like a tsunami would be a 10 on this scale.
Try to get used to describing events using facts and evidence rather than exaggerating. When we exaggerate situations and use words like ‘horrendous’ or ‘terrible’ this suggests a threat to us and this activates our fight or flight response. By describing things more accurately we can reduce our emotional response to an event.
Remember we all use negative thinking sometimes. It’s only when we get stuck into a negative thinking trap and it makes us unhappy and stops us from getting on with our lives that negative thinking becomes a problem. But don’t worry, Face IT will now show you lots of ways to feel more positive and enjoy life more.
