Getting intimate

Many people who have concerns about the way they look have problems being intimate with their partners, and this can lead to distress and feelings of isolation.

This time we’re not going to impose any fixed routine to get to the end goal of feeling comfortable in intimate situations. We’re just going to look at some of the steps that may help someone to get there.

Being intimate with someone is difficult for any of us. We all feel slightly vulnerable when we expose ourselves to others. The thing to remember is to take things slowly and remember not to push yourself too far too fast.

One step that can help people to cope with intimacy is to start by getting used to your own body. Many people don’t like others seeing their body because they themselves aren’t happy with it. Try looking at your body and identifying the bits you’re happy with and the bits you’re less happy with. If there are areas that you’re satisfied with, try exposing these areas first. This way you can move slowly towards uncovering the bits that are more difficult for you.

Once you’ve learnt to feel comfortable both looking at your own body and showing someone else your “better” bits, it’s time to start being a bit bolder.

It’s usually a good idea to try explaining to your partner how you feel about showing your body. If your partner is worthy of your love and affection then they’ll understand and want to help you with it.

Try experimenting by gradually showing small areas that you’re uncomfortable with bit by bit. Remember you can always cover up again if you start to feel distressed.

To begin with, it can sometimes help to undress with the light out. That way you can take some of the pressure off of yourself in the early days. Once you’re feeling more confident, try low-level lighting, like a small lamp by the bed. This way the light won’t be so harsh and won’t define the areas you’re unhappy with quite so much.

This example was a real problem that Harriet experienced after she had reconstructive breast surgery following cancer:

The scarring was probably one of the most difficult things to come to terms with. I mean I suppose I should have felt lucky that I didn’t have something that you can see when you are out and about. But sometimes, I think anyway, that can make it worse. It becomes this big sort of secret that nobody knows about and then when you do have to disclose, it’s so hard. At 63, I didn’t really think I would ever be intimate with anyone again, but when I met P, I knew that eventually it would have to happen, but I was so scared. I very nearly ended the relationship, because at the time that seemed easier to do than discuss it. But we did discuss it, and over time we helped each other through it. Now 2 years later, I can’t believe we ever had a problem. We have such a great sex-life and I don’t even think about my scars.

The key to this particular goal is to be gentle with yourself and not to feel under any pressure to go faster than you’re comfortable with.

We talked before about the SMART approach to goals. In this case the goal is still quite specific – being intimate with your partner, and it’s clearly measurable, as are the intermediate goals. The goal is achievable and reasonable although at times it may not feel like it. Remember though, it’s only reasonable if you give yourself enough time to get used to each stage of the process.

The final stage of SMART is that the goal needs to be time-measured. It always helps to have an idea of how long you’re going to give yourself to achieve a goal, and this is no exception, but with all situations, particularly one like this, you must be prepared to change your time scale if you’re struggling with a particular stage.

As our therapist Amanda said earlier, if you rush up each rung of the ladder too quickly, you’re more likely to slide down again. This won’t help you at all, so always be prepared to allow yourself the opportunity to take things more slowly than you had originally anticipated. It’s better to take things really slowly and succeed than to rush and fail.

Richard is 18, he has a facial difference he told us:

“Appearance is just one part of your character. The more you focus on your visible difference, the more important it becomes. Instead of going into a social situation with the mindset of worrying about your appearance, you should be thinking about all the other attributes you have. Activities such as sport or music will build a bridge of relationship over the river of self confidence issues. Anything to take the focus away from feeling bad about how you look, and onto feeling good about how you are”

Jack has a skin condition is 23 and says:

“In my relationship she said I was the nicest guy she’d ever met, so I suppose we make up for our looks in other aspects which just have to be discovered by the people we love”

Blake is 19 and has a facial difference:

“The right person will not think that your difference is as noticeable as you think it is, and will love your difference because it’s part of who you are. Plus they will like you for your other attributes, such as your kindness, good humour, listening skills or your cheekiness!”

Amy’s boyfriend said:

“To me Amy’s scar is just a part of who she is; it’s a part of her I love. The first time I saw it I kissed it, to show her that it was not something I didn’t like, or just put up with, but that the scar is one of the reasons I love her”

Check those negative thoughts

> Catch it <

“I’m not good looking so no-one will like me”

If a negative thought pops up. Remember what we talked about in Session 4 about Negative Thinking. Is this a negative thought?

> Check it <

What would your best friend say?

Is this true? Does everyone focus only on appearance?

> Change it <

Can you make it a more helpful thought?

Replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. This will help to make you feel happier.

“I’ve got much more to offer in a relationship than just my appearance, I’m kind, funny and a good listener”

Although this is not always easy to do, the more frequently you check and change your unhelpful thoughts, the easier it is to do and the better you’ll feel about a situation. It’s a bit like doing keep fit to build up your muscles.

Jason is 23 and he told us….

A visible difference is only one quality that makes a person (and who says it’s a negative thing??). A good person has many qualities so use these to your advantage, in or out of a relationship

Jem is 20 and says

Not everybody is going to be right with you, and as far as I can tell, the problem is normally with them. If they just judge people by appearance they’re in for some real disappointment. If people can’t accept you for who you are and not just how you look then they don’t deserve you. It’s all a matter of time’.

1 – “I really like someone but I worry that they wouldn’t be interested in me because of my visible difference.”

If you feel like this, what should you do?

Here are three possible responses, choose one of them and we’ll give you some feedback on your choice.

1

Avoid them because you think that they would never be interested in you.

2

Talk to them or spend some time with them so you get to know them and show them what sort of a person you are and hope that something develops

3

Tell them that you like them a lot but you are worried about becoming more intimate because you are concerned about what they may think of your visible difference.

Response:

Choosing this option means that you are less likely to get upset if they don’t want to go out with you, but it also means that they will never know how you feel.

By avoiding them you’ll never have the chance to get to know each other, making it very unlikely that anything will ever happen!

See what would happen if you choose the other options.

Response:

You chose to spend some time with them and see if something develops. This would be a good idea and a way for you both to get to know each other.

The top tips we gave you in Sessions 2 and 3 will help you to feel more confident to talk to new people and make new friends. Romantic relationships often develop from being friends first, because you already know the person and feel at ease with them.

See what would happen if you choose the other options.

Response:

Telling them that you like them is a good starting place. But it might be better to get to know them better before talking about intimacy.

In intimate relationships it is always a good idea to discuss any concerns that you may have about your visible difference before the intimacy occurs, but this is something that is best left until after the first date.

2. “I don’t know when and how to tell my partner about my visible difference.”

If you choose to conceal your difference with clothes or make up it can help to make you feel more confident when meeting people. But when a relationship develops further you may start to feel anxious about how and when to tell your boy/girl friend about your visible difference. This is completely natural.

Tips for telling your partner

It can vary, but most people choose to tell their partner when they feel they can trust them. Once you’ve told them you’ll probably feel more comfortable and relaxed with them.

  • You could either pick a time and place where you feel comfortable, won’t feel rushed and are able to speak privately.

or

  • Introduce the subject of your difference when they are sharing something private about themselves or their appearance with you.

You don’t have to show them if you don’t want to. It might be easier to just tell them about it briefly to begin with.

Things you might want to say are:

I have a few scars on my legs from a burns injury when I was little, I’m ok, they don’t hurt anymore but it just means I don’t like to show them too much. I’ll show you them one day but I would prefer to do it once we’ve got to know each other better.

I like to wear long tops because I have psoriasis on my arms, I’m ok and it’s not catching and if you’re lucky I might show you them one day!

Phrases like these are assertive. They tell your partner about your difference and let them know why you’re covering it up. They also let them know that you’re not ready to show it yet, so they know not to pressure you. You’ll also reassure them that you’d like to show them in the future, so they won’t feel rejected.

Sometimes people respond in what sounds like a dismissive way “is that all? I thought it would be something terrible”. Because this is your issue, it is important to you, and sometimes other people can find this difficult to understand.

It’s not because they don’t care about you, or want to make you feel better, but because to them, it genuinely is not important: you are so much more than your appearance.

3. “I don’t feel confident to try new activities like swimming, going to the beach or becoming intimate with my partner, because they’ll see my visible difference.”

It’s common for people to worry about letting their partner see their visible difference.

If you feel like this, what should you do?

Here are 3 possible responses to a common scenario, choose 1 of them and we’ll give you some feedback on your choice.

You’re alone with your partner and start to feel anxious because things are becoming more intimate. Although you want to become more intimate you are worried about what they’ll think when they see your visible difference.

1

Avoid the situation and put on the TV to distract your partner.

2

Carry on becoming intimate with them, although you feel really nervous and uncomfortable and hope that it will finish soon.

3

Tell them that you like them a lot but you are worried about becoming more intimate because you are concerned about what they may think of your visible difference.

You chose option 1

Response:

You chose to avoid the situation. This will probably reduce your anxiety and might make you feel better in the short term. Maybe you are not ready yet?

However, if you would like to get close to your boy/girl friend this response might not be very helpful in the long term, there will be a another time when you want your relationship to become more intimate and you’re likely to feel even more anxious because you’ll be stuck with the same dilemma.

See what would happen if you choose the other options.

You chose option 2

Response:

You chose to carry on becoming intimate with your boy/girl friend even though you feel uncomfortable. It’s really important that you don’t do anything that you don’t want to do or feel uncomfortable doing. If you do, it’s likely that you’ll feel unhappy with yourself afterwards.

By continuing to be intimate with your partner, your behaviour is leading them to think that you’re happy with what’s happening, so they have no idea how you feel. They might also put pressure on you to take things further because they think it’s what you want to do. See what would happened if you choose one of the other options.

You chose option 3

Response:

You chose to tell them how you feel. This would be the most helpful way to respond to this situation. By telling your boy/girl friend that you really like them you’re reassuring them that they haven’t done anything wrong, but you’re also letting them know that you want to take things slow and you’re worried about becoming intimate because of your visible difference.

They’re likely to provide you with reassurance about your worries which may make you feel confident to take things further or, if you need more time, you’ll be able to take it more slowly without them feeling rejected.

But, remember, if they don’t show respect and understanding for your concerns then they don’t deserve you! See what would happen if you choose the other options.

Getting close up and personal: Luke’s story

Luke has psoriasis on his arms and legs and says:

Most people have worries about getting intimate with their partner. Although intimacy is an important part of developing your relationship, you must feel comfortable. It shouldn’t be something you rush into or feel pressured to do if you don’t want to.

If you decide you want to become more intimate with your partner but feel your visible difference is getting in the way, you can use the SMART approach to goals that we talked about in Session 5.

So let’s have a go at breaking down Luke’s problem into a SMART goal.

Specific:

Rather than just saying ‘to get intimate’, we’ll say Luke’s end goal is to ‘kiss and cuddle his partner without worrying about his psoriasis being visible to her’. Now the goal is specific.

Measurable:

It will be obvious when Luke has achieved this goal.

Achievable:

Luke has nothing physically wrong with him that will stop him from kissing and cuddling his partner, so the goal is achievable.

Reasonable:

Luke has always hidden his psoriasis from his partner by covering it with clothes and avoided situations where they might become intimate. So this goal is not reasonable to him! But by using an action plan, and breaking the main goal into smaller goals, this is totally possible.

Timeframe:

Luke needs to make sure he sets a timeframe for when he’s going to become more intimate with his partner; writing an action plan can help with this.

Luke’s Action Plan

1

Communication is key.

Luke can’t expect his partner to be sensitive and understand him unless he tells her how he feels. If you don’t feel comfortable with something, you need to let your partner know and tell them what you do feel comfortable doing.

So Luke might want to start with letting his partner know about his psoriasis and that he likes her and is ready to take things further, but also letting her know that he doesn’t feel comfortable to at this stage.

2

Get used to revealing your visible difference

The next goal will be for Luke to start wearing T-Shirts and shorts (if weather appropriate) when he meets his partner. This way he’ll get used to showing his psoriasis and his girlfriend will get used to seeing it. He might want to just start with wearing T-Shirts and then start wearing shorts when he feels more comfortable.

This might take some time for Luke to get used to this – we’ll give him 4 weeks to achieve this goal.

3

Start becoming more affectionate.

Once Luke feels more comfortable showing his partner his psoriasis he’ll be ready to start becoming more affectionate. Luke could start by holding her hand or giving her hugs when they are out and about. This way she’ll know that he’s starting to feel more comfortable about getting closer and she’ll feel more at ease about returning the gestures. They will also get used to being affectionate with each other without the pressure of being in private and feeling that they have to be intimate.

Again this will take Luke and his partner some time to feel comfortable with, so we’ll give him 4 weeks

4

Time to become more intimate.

At this point Luke will hopefully feel more confident about revealing his psoriasis to his partner and about being more affectionate with her. This could be a good time for Luke to try to become more intimate with his girlfriend. Luke should pick a time and place where they are both alone and have some privacy, for example they could be watching TV in a bedroom.

Luke could wear a T-Shirt so he’s already showing his psoriasis and could start by being affectionate, like holding hands and hugging, and see how comfortable they both feel about doing this.

If they both feel at ease, Luke could kiss his partner and see how comfortable they both feel. It’s important to take things slowly and at a pace that they are both happy with. If they both feel comfortable, then Luke has achieved his goal.

  • 2 weeks: For Luke to tell his partner about his psoriasis and that he is ready to take things further, but he doesn’t feel comfortable to at this stage.
  • 4 weeks: For Luke to start wearing T-Shirts and shorts (if weather appropriate) when he meets his partner.
  • 4 weeks: For Luke to start holding his partner’s hand and to give her hugs when they are out and about.
  • 4 weeks: For Luke and his partner to get intimate.

Everyone’s different and you must set your own timeframe that suits you. Take your time with these goals.

If Luke feels uncomfortable at any point, he needs to tell his partner and let her know what he does feel comfortable doing. If Luke and his partner wanted to take things further after kissing, they could try taking things step by step, always checking that they both feel comfortable.

Jono has Treacher-Collins syndrome (which can stop the bones in the face and the ears from forming properly):

  • As a teenager, I thought that I would never be able to get a girlfriend and I worried about talking to girls. Who would find me attractive?
  • A lass asked me out on a date and said my face was interesting; this gave me the confidence to start working at a gym (an industry obesessed with image).
  • My confidence grew and grew. These experiences involved me being thrown in at the deep end like teaching a fitness class: full of eager members listening to every word I said and following every move I made. It was a nightmare at the time, but when I came out the other end I felt so proud which boosted my confidence levels and gave me enough confidence to start dating.
  • A pivotal moment for me was when my friend ofered me a job working as a bartender, I needed the money and every one looked like they were having so much fun, so I agreed.
  • I was dripping with sweat before my first shift; I was so nervous and scared about people’s reactions. It wasn’t easy, my first night was brutal – drunk folk can be nasty, but at the same time I met so many cool people who were genuinely intersted in me and my face.
  • I met my girlfriend Laura at the gym. She says when she first met me, she did notice my face, even had a double take. When we started going out, it was the first time I was able to be completely myself with a girl. Before I felt the need to be at my best at all times – perfect tan, perfect hair – best clothes on. It even got to the point that if I had a spot or felt ‘ugly’ that day – I wouldn’t meet them. With Laura it’s different, she’s a star. Four years down the line, we are still together and completely in love. Laura loves me and my face. In fact we’ve just bought our first house together.

Laura (Jono’s partner):

  • “Jono is just a regular guy to me. We have a normal happy relationship and I love him to pieces even though he can be a pain like any other man, ha ha! I don’t see a disfigurement when I look at him, I see Jono! He is one of the happiest, confident and most outgoing people I know and we have a fantastic relationship together. We are both totally ourselves with each other and I feel lucky that he’s a part of my life.”

Congratulations on completing this session

Whenever you’re in similar situations, try to remember what you’ve learnt from the goal setting examples. It always takes time to achieve goals, but as long as you stick to the SMART approach, you should find life will become a lot easier.

Today we’ve looked at:

  • The SMART approach to goal setting and making action plans to help you to set goals.
  • Examples of goal setting. It’s important to remember that these examples are there to help you in real-life situations. If you experience anything similar, try to think back to the examples and consider the tips that you were given.
  • Concerns about and advice for developing romantic relationships when you have a visible difference.

Don’t forget to do the activities before next week!